Six Sentence Sunday – "Moon Lantern"

Here it is–my first foray into the world of Six Sentence Sunday.  I found it challenging to find six sentences that I felt were enough to show character, setting, atmosphere and also not leave off in the middle of a thought.  It appears many of my paragraphs run five sentences.

For my first try, I dug into my short story, “Moon Lantern,” which was published in 2004 by Abyss & Apex.  It felt safest to use something I already know worked for somebody.  Even so, as I look at it now, I see one place where I would cut were I editing it today.  Here you go!

Most nights I sleep behind the bar at The Moon Lantern. There’s a shadow there, away from the Lantern light. I can lie in that thin rectangle of darkness, safe from the light, and breathe the smell of the day’s customers. Some of the girls wear heavy perfume. Not the good stuff — the stuff that comes in little aerosol cans that say “just like Calvin Klein” on the labels. The smell lingers like something that died under the porch.

My inner editor twitches with the desire to excise the phrase, “safe from the light,” but that’s how it was published and how it shall stand.

Next time will be harder.  I’ll have to dive into something untested.  Should be fun!

8 thoughts on “Six Sentence Sunday – "Moon Lantern"

  1. You already know I love the story and the voice you used for it. You'll start to see more possibilities in things as you go, so it does get easier to pick 6 sentences. And if, occasionally, you slide in an extra sentence or two, no one complains, especially if it gives value.

  2. Great excerpt, makes me want to know more – who is it and why are they sleeping behind the bar?And I always want to edit my excerpts – and usually do, in order to make the excerpt stand on its own.

  3. Great snippet. Definitely makes me want to read more. I don't think we're ever satisfied. My first book was published just over a year ago and whenever I read it over, I see all kinds of stuff I'd change now, but can't.

  4. Welcome to SSS. Excellent debut too. I think you found the perfect sentence. They do show character, set mood and layer through the setting. Very, very nice.

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